


Angry Lysithea

by MinervaFeatherflight



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/M, Rage, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23903617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinervaFeatherflight/pseuds/MinervaFeatherflight
Summary: If you're the type of person to get triggered over smack-talking your favourite character, chances are this fic isn't for you. If you want to see Lysithea swearing, roasting, raging and verbally slaughtering Byleth's love interests, by all means, click this fic IMMEDIATELY.
Relationships: My Unit | Byleth/Lysithea von Ordelia
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	Angry Lysithea

**Author's Note:**

> In a discord server they call me "The Lord of Roasting". You're about to see why. Enjoy. :)

Lysithea had walked in on her worst nightmare, once again. It wasn't being experimented on any more however, it was losing the one person she cared about most to another person, and she had grown sick of it. For some reason everyone loved Byleth enough to want to confess their love for him and steal him away from Lysithea. This had gone on for quite a long time, five months now, and this event in the dining hall was the absolute, last straw for Lysithea. She had had it with everyone taking away her love and her saviour. She often wondered why the world would never allow her to live peacefully, but she told herself a long time ago, back after she was experimented on that she wasn't going to mope around and do nothing with her life. Then again, she also told herself she'd take excellent care of everyone in her life before she would pass on. Byleth saved her from having to face that wish early and how did she repay him? By letting him suffer at the hands of all these doe eyed, love crazy, whackos she had come to hate the last five months.

Lysithea decided to let it all out after holding in her anger for way too long and angrily yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" The room fell silent and everyone turned towards Lysithea. "WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE MY MAN ALONE AND RESPECT BOTH OF OUR WISHES?! YOU URCHINS! ALL YOU DO IS EAT AWAY AT US AS IF WE ARE CRUSTACEANS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN! Dear Sothis, give me strength for I am about to roast like no other."

Leonie: Well sorry that you think you can keep Byleth all to yourself. You've got to learn to tone down your temper Lysithea.

Lysithea: You couldn't get Jeralt so you went for the next best thing huh Leonie? You think your dirty ass, no money having, dead dad loving self can get with someone who you don't even love as much as I do? Guess again bitch. Why don't you go cry about it to Jeralt. Oh wait, sorry, he's fucking dead.

Hilda: Oh shit Leonie, Lysithea owned you! That's gotta hurt.

Lysithea: As for you Hilda, how many guys have you 'repaid'? Byleth wouldn't want to fuck anyone who he can't feel cause she's too loose. Seriously, nobody wants to have sex with a cave.

Marianne: Lysithea you need to calm down now. I beg the Goddess to grant you peace, since you clearly could use some rest. I'll take care of Byleth while you're gone, don't worry about us.

Lysithea: Marianne?! You?! Why would Byleth want to be with you? I've heard of people fucking girls with no emotion but that must be like fucking a surfboard! He'd be better pleased by a jagged hole in the wall.

Ingrid: Look Lysithea, I for one think you've had enough time with Byleth and it should be me with him. Nobody better to protect him than a knight of Faerghus.

Lysithea: Ingrid?! Your voice is more monotone than the sex you'd give him. I'd tell you to go die but being the knight that you are, you'll likely "die like a true knight" anyways. Ooh, did I touch a nerve? Why don't you go eat your stress away.

Annette: If we're all gonna get roasted for loving Byleth, then bring it on, you've got nothing on me.

Lysithea: Annette, huh? You've got second rate magic compared to me and you're always going on about your father. Imagine being the second most important man in her life to her father. Having daddy issues in roleplay is hot, but having them for real? NEXT. You're no more than one night stand material.

Edelgard: Okay, that's quite enough Lysithea! Ferdinand, go and fetch the knights of Seiros, we need to calm down the situation.

Lysithea: Edelgard? The Imperial Princess? What the fuck do you want with Byleth?! How about you turn your stuck-up, trust issues ass back around before I put a rat in your bed. You're a case unlike ANY other yet. The other girls would have sex with him, you likely wouldn't even tell him you love him. You'd just stare at him and say he was "needed", whatever the hell that means. Go fuck your Slytherin fuckboy advisor. There's only room for one white haired girlfriend, and that would be me.  
Squeak squeak. I hear a rat coming. You'd do well to run like the little bitch you are.

Bernadetta: My safe corner doesn't feel very safe right now. I don't like all this yelling so I'm going to go back to my room before I-

Lysithea: Bernadetta. I feel like I'd just have to stare at you to make you back off from my man. How long have you gone without a shower, beddy bye b*tch? I've gone through worse trauma and I'm standing here while you're cowering in a corner. Good god, you could let a monkey loose on your hair and he'd die of overindulgence with the lice in that bird's nest. Too bad he'd die from the stench first.

Mercedes walked in and looked around the room for Alois to report him that her mission was complete, fully unaware of the situation.

Mercedes: Would you like a cookie dear? Tea and cookies soothe the soul. I'll make enough for that handsome Byleth too.

Lysithea: You're back from your trip Granny Mercedes. Byleth could drive you like an actual Mercedes if you weren't so horny for the actual Goddess. Boy do i have someone I'm never telling you about. Go protect your bloodthirsty brother or get married to your adoptive father. If you can't beat them, and he CAN beat you, you might as well fuck them, right?

Dorothea: Lysithea, shut up and leave the room. I'll fuck Byleth if I want. I at least know how to satisfy a man, unlike your grumpy ass.

Lysithea: Where to start with you. Well, you're a hoe. Whoreothea should be your new name. I thought Hilda's ice cave was pretty worn down and used but goddamn you could shove Mount Everest up in that giant black hole vagina of yours. Your mouth is supposed to do the sucking you cheap slut, not your vag. Take a shot every time you complain about war. It almost rivals your love for pleasing drunk randoms. My man is NOT going to be one of them.

Dorothea gave Lysithea the meanest look and ran off, flailing her arms around and out of sight. Lysithea then targeted Linhardt, who had been sleeping through this whole annihilation.

Lysithea: Linhardt, there isn't too much I can say to you since I don't know much about you. You sleep more than my Ordelian cat does every day and you'd only get with Byleth for his crest. Unlike the other people in the game with green hair, you're not even a dragon or a proper descendant of one. Not to mention I'm sure Byleth doesn't have a fetish for fucking boys in their sleep. No emotion, no response, no moaning because you're *always* asleep. Sounds like a recipe for a boring life together. By the way, I found a line referencing you in the song Ram Ranch. "Cowboys even getting fucked in their sleep."

Lysithea showed no sign of stopping, even though she had already roasted everyone who could S support Byleth that was in the room and continued onto the Ashen Wolves next, who were presumably busy doing something down in Abyss.

Lysithea: Constance, you're literally gimmick Louise reborn to a newer audience except you live in a dark, dingy, disgusting sewer and apparently, according to yourself, have a "unwashed, filthy backside." Now why would Byleth want to touch you if you don't even know the meaning of the word shower. The sun shows off the best parts of a woman and yet you get depressed and tilt your head down when you're in it. You can go off and restore House Nuvelle by sucking off some other rich nobles, keep your scaly sewer hands off my man!

Lysithea: Hapi. That's a name that is quite humorous knowing how you actually act. You should know that being emo went out of style back in 2013. You got experimented on too huh? Well Byleth experiments with me a lot more than he ever would with you, rat. The best thing you come with is your Valkyrie class for me and your thinking process is as slow as your speed growth in that class. Since you love to give nicknames to everyone, I decided to give you one too. I present to you the titles Mommy's Mistake and Fucktrash Maggot. I'll let you decide on which one you prefer.

Lysithea: Yuri, you're a pretty boy, but sometimes I wonder who uses your smug grin to wipe their ass squeaky clean with. The only reason you're bi-sexual is because the game developers were being bombarded with requests since Male Byleth's only option was Linhardt previously. You're like a pretend gay person. I mean, I know you like taking it up into your backside but you won't receive the Professor's pipe. You've got acting skills, I'll give you that, but you use it to cover up the fact that you're a coward who doesn't like talking about his true self. If you thought about a career in theatre, think again son, most actors and artists work at 7/11 stores or McDonald's. Speaking of 7/11, I bet your dick isn't anywhere between 7-11 inches, you take what you don't have though, right?

Lysithea: Finally we've reached the last of our students that want my man, Petra. Sorry that I forgot about you, you're almost as forgettable as the English you "practice". Five long years into the future and you still haven't learned a single extra sentence? I think I found my second attendee for Derek Zoolander's Academy for People Who Can't Read Good along with Cyril. I honestly will have to stop here though since it will take you four years to make a comeback response for me.

Just after that, Ferdinand and the Knights returned to settle the argument.

Edelgard: Just in time to settle this once and for all. Please take care of Lysithea.

Claude: Oh. No, you won't be able to take care of Lysithea. I've known her for a while now, there's no possible way you can, she takes care of you.

Lysithea: Manuela, you are aware of the snide relevance to your name right? Handjob in Spanish. I would bet guys who were with you would crave those handjobs but we all know you would ugly cry on their dicks if you could get your hands on one. Let's not pretend you're single for the students when you're clearly going after my man. I know Byleth is 21 pre timeskip but who would want to touch your dusty 'Cave of Wonders'. Just like Aladdin, you'd get lost in it, but not the good type of lost. You'd be wandering in the true Abyss for years crying about how you can't get out of that death trap, but hey, at least your eternally trapped substitute lover would lube it up for the next man right? Oh, who am I kidding, you won't get another man again.

Lysithea: Shamir, you're actually cool in my books. Cool in your emotions. You suppress them so much that you often come across as cold, but you still aren't colder than my feelings. Your getup looks like something that an emo Robin Hood would wear but according to your solo ending you end up robbing them for yourself. Got those mercenary instincts, right? Well Byleth was also once a mercenary but he's learned to love. Your pre-acquired knowledge of C+ in lances is the closest thing you'll come to touch that feels like Byleth's dick. Why don't you jam a flagpole up there with it, maybe then you'll feel something more cold. Something more in tune with your "I don't care" personality. Everything would actually be better if you didn't care about Byleth, but unfortunately you do. You're so detached from life it's almost like you're an emo. Sorry lady but as being emo hasn't come into style yet, you're just some creepy "the world hates me and so I hate it" type hero who will never be remembered. You would have been better off chopped up with the same axe Count Bergliez used to slaughter your dad as he watched, at least then you would have fed the worms in the ground. You're cool now but nobody will recall that you died or go back to give you a gravestone after.

Lysithea: Flayn, just because the Professor fucks me doesn't mean he is into all small girls. Well, he may be, but not small 1,000+ year olds. You may be young looking but nobody would want to plough your webbed vagina. You don't like violence anyways so you'd never satisfy Byleth's cravings. If you don't pipe down about how much you love my man I'll hand you over to The Death Knight again. If you're that hungry for some action go throat a trout or two. If you choke, I'm sure your daddy and brother Seteth will save you. I'm praying to Sothis right now to clear the Sweet Home Alabama vibes away from this weird family love triangle you, your father and Rhea have going on.

Lysithea: Catherine, there is a lot I could dive into about your obsession with Lady Rhea. You worship her, you wish you could fuck her. Come to think of it, you're besties with Shamir and you love Lady Rhea. Why on earth do you want Byleth right now? I can tell the smarts run in the Gloucester crest because you can't even think for yourself. As much as I hate both crests, I'm more ashamed of wielding this crest than anything. The only reason you get recruited is for your sword, which they also give to me for memes. Join the Lorenz, Hapi and Constance squad over there, they were used and tossed just like you. You can have Rhea, but first remember to give me Thunderbrand.

Rhea came down and started yelling at Lysithea while moving towards her. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? WHERE DO YOU GET OFF DISTURBING EVERYONE'S DAY AND RUINING THE FUN HERE?! THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! IT'S DRAGON TIME!"

BOSS BATTLE!!!

RHEA!

Lysithea: How old do you think you are Rhea? I ask because you clearly don't have it right in the head anymore so I don't expect you to know how old you are. Do you want to know what I think of you? I think you're horrible, mean, nasty, scaly, anti-social, a tyrant, the list goes on really.

FIRST HP BAR BROKEN

Lysithea: You really do love Byleth, I can see that. The only thing is, he's got your MOTHER inside of him. You would really try to fuck your MOM?! How demented are you? You look like a clone of Palutena and we all know who's the more divine woman. Spoilers: It's not you.

SECOND HP BAR BROKEN

Lysithea: You tried to resurrect your mother how many times? It's absolutely insane! Honestly, the shit you pulled on Byleth makes me want to kill you right now. I'd join Nemesis if I had the chance to!

THIRD HP BAR BROKEN

Lysithea: Time to kill a dragon. Your hips are probably fake as hell, they almost look like you shoved a bicycle helmet on the sides of your legs, Byleth doesn't want to get with those hips that definitely lie. Sweet Home Ala-fucking-bama Rhea, I mean Seiros! Whoever gave you that title of Lady needs to rescind that now because your lust for incest is inhuman and that's being generous. Your insides are probably wrinklier than the sack skin on Byleth's balls on a cold day, and you won't be the one warming them up for him. I won't let your 'divine' clutches anywhere near him, you older-than-old hag!

LAST HP BAR BROKEN

Rhea: RAAAAARGGHHH!!! *dies*

Lysithea: You are completely insane, lady! I hardly ever see you leave your post in the Church and Cathedral, do you even wash yourself? In the CF route you snapped even further, do we have to dispatch the Cast of The Hobbit to slay your ass too? Fuck your fake ass love, I'll shove it right up next to the religion you made up, that's your ass by the way. Enjoy the company bitch because you're never getting Sothis back by taking it out of Byleth. Can you believe she finds you creepy as well? You would stay away from her if you even respected her wishes, you ugly, old cow. They should make you wear a bag on your head out of the sheer embarrassment after this. Take your Catherine and Cyril too, at least they'll get some use when you wipe your ass with them like you do all the people you care about. Remember this line Rhea? I hope "you spill all of your blood into the Goddess' soil!" But I'm not finished with you yet you worthless wretch, if you had Pinocchio syndrome your nose would reach the "heavens" you said the Goddess watches us from which was also a lie. I don't need that long of a nose to smell all of the bullshit you've tried to feed to us though because-

Lysithea was interrupted by Byleth who started making out with her.

Byleth: I love you so much right now! Let's fuck on top of Rhea's corpse.

Lysithea: You know it, my love. We're finally at peace.

Everyone in the dining hall cleared out as fast as they could, not wanting to see any of the action unfold. Seteth, who was the last one out, shook his head with his hand on his forehead and said "I think I'm going to need to see a therapist."

**Author's Note:**

> The link to the Byleth and Lysithea discord I and many other Bysithea writers are in: https://discord.gg/8ZjK5zk
> 
> Comment below what your favourite roast was. If you enjoyed this fic, make sure to give it a kudos. If you know anyone who likes to hear some good roasts, share with them this fic via links. Thank you so much for reading my fics because right now, you're making my days enjoyable. Everybody stay safe in these trying times, okay? Love y'all! <3


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